Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
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Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
peak technology
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.