Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.