Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about