Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
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Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”