Friday is National Bubble Gum Day but I chews not to celebrate it.
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Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
You’ll be OK
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.