Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.