Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Solving a traffic jam

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

Wolves should really raise more people.

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *