Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again