Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.