Friday night party time 🥳
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I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?