Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.