Friday night party time 🥳
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This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
That’s not how days work.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
podcasts
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!