Friday night party time 🥳
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane