Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.