Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

ㅤ

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

it’s finally my moment to shine