Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

me: my friends:

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

Bear knowledge

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?