[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.