Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

[my first day as an art teacher]

“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”

(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Me irl

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter