[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
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2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I have obtained a hat
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager