[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
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a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*