Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.