Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.