[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
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me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
this independent good boy don’t need no human
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.