Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

😭😭😭

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks