Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
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I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Life cycle of cat
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Cndnsd Mlk
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there