Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

peep davidson

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out