Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
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Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Traveler’s camo
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Wednesday
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit