Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast