Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

🙄

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one