Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
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*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.