Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

i think both sides are to blame here

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

ㅤ

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.