Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up