Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
This meeting could have been a cake
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM