Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.