Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.