@citizenkawala

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

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@osoplain

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

@RexChapman

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

@CraigChamberlin

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

@Poopy_Pizza_Pal

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

@GoldenSpirals

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

@LizHackett

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?

@bea_ker

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

@aparnapkin

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

@daddydoubts

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.