Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic


Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎


Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”


*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”


No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.


Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.


[blind date]

HER: I’m a recovering coke addict

ME {trying to impress her}: Is Pepsi okay?


EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer


Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way


Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.