Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
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“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
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me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
plums roundup
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.