Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.