Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
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What an awful time to have common sense.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
i was dropped as an adult
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed