Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.