Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
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Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.