Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

My wedding will be open casket.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.