fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
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If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.