Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
(Electricians.)
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms