Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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where the womens at?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
normalize having existential bread
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
January has been Januweary
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.