Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Note to self: I am a note
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings