Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.