Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
HOW DARE YOU
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…