Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.