Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
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I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.