Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
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WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
The First Farmer
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Welcome to the stomach
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods