Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
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It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.