Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
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TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.