Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
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HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?