Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

Hey Fugeddaboutit

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*