Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

hey, alexa

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business