Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
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My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
me when somebody idk start touching me
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.