Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.