Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
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I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.