Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.