Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

I identify as an antique shop.