Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Realize this:

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

🤣😂🤣😂

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky