Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea