Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

Godspeed, John Glenn

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.