Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.