Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
You Might Also Like
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
(more comics:
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire