Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up