Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:

– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever

– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken

– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

life lately

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

Who chose this font

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.