Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
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the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*