Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
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[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto