Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
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I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy